the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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