If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
