Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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