The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
