I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Boobs are out for the taking
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
