Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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