Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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