I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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