not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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