.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
