Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
