I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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