I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
