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i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
