So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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