my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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