It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is the high leading the old right now
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
