Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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