i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
