His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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