just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
