i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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