You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
