i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
