My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
