ya dads aren't the best wingmen
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
