I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
