So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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