you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
