Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize