I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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