I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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