I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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