i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I will be naked everywhere
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
