My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
