I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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