Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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