One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The ass gains better be worth it
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