I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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