I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize