i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
