probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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