Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
