She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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