We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize