I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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