did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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