Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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