I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
