some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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