I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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