I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
