plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize