Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
