shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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