i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
