We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
