at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
