Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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