tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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